The Path

I’ve been given a mulligan.  When we moved to a new place, I stepped down from my career life, stayed home to raise my kids, and helped  care for my mother with early onset dementia.  For a true Type A, the new life of fragmented responsibilities without completion was stressful, and I felt like a failure.  I was grateful for the opportunity to be home with my kids and to help my mom.   However, I felt like a fraud, because, try as I might, I felt hollow and unfulfilled.  And guilt-stricken when I dared to admit this to myself.

For two solid years I felt like a schoolgirl playing hooky.   Then I began trying on new fixes.  Nothing felt right for me.  There were times when I knew I wasn’t being any good to the people who needed me, but I didn’t know how to change that.   I felt like I was losing my own identity.

Finally, I decided that enough was enough.  So many people had told me that I was being too hard on myself, to let go of all the high expectations I had for my life (or at least to modify them), and to “go with the flow.”  I cannot tell you how much I really detest that phrase.  It sounds so pointless.  Another?  “It is what it is.”  What IS that?

Finally, I realized that I had been given a gift: a rare opportunity to begin again, to walk a new path, to breathe in a new way of life.  (Type A me kept whispering, “Don’t mess this up.  It’s your only chance,” but I shut her down.  That was the first step.) 

Yoga, letting go of stress and unhappy things that I cannot change, meditating, and (above all) Gratitude:  These have been the things that have made my life more fulfilling than I’d ever really imagined it could be when I was in the darker times of my life. 

And, by the way?  "Go with the flow"?  Yes.  If it's along the river I've chosen.  And if the flow feels right.  If not?  I can swim to the bank and think things over while the river goes by.   "It is what it is"?  Sometimes.  And I still hate that phrase, but if I can't change it, then I won't fight it, but I don't have to ruminate on it either.  Like I tell my kids when they stress needlessly, let it float by like the clouds in the sky.

And finally, letting go of all the high expectations for myself?  That doesn't appeal to me.  Expectations and goals drive me.  There are many things I want to do in my life. Here's what I've learned:  I don't have to try to accomplish it all right now.  I can breathe and enjoy my people (friends, family, dog).  I can live my life without being in a mad rush all the time.  With this new knowledge, my chest doesn't feel tight anymore.  I feel relaxed to listen to my kids without thinking about what's next.  My day feels flexible when things don't go as planned (Ok, I'm still working on this, but it's coming along.)

This blog shows the process.  I almost deleted it to start over, now that I’m on the path that I’ve found.   However, I think the early years help to show the progress, and if nothing else, it helps me remember where I’m going and the reason I keep moving along on my lovely path.  So, I'll continue, taking with me all that is past and all my hopes and plans for the future.  These are the things that have put me in this exact place today, in this moment, the present.