For the last seven or eight years, I've been looking over my shoulder. This is kind of a secret, but kind of not. Some people know of this fear that I have. Some would call it paranoid or selfish to be afraid of contracting an illness from which my mother suffers, but it's hard to not do it.
In the beginning, when I started to notice that something was "off" with my mom, there were certain things that she'd do that were strange to her. One of them was losing the ability to knit from a pattern. She'd start off projects with gusto! and then peter off into abandoning them. At first, it was a puzzle to me. Her nicely wound skeins of yarn would turn into smaller and smaller balls that were hand-wound. They would be all over her home, and then, they'd sit in a bowl on the table as a "decoration," never to be knitted from again. Then we found out she had dementia.
The fear paralyzes me when I lose my spot in a pattern, can't find it again, and have to rip it all the way out (frog it) and start over again. The hand-wound ball of yarn that I end up with is very unnerving. I know that this is silly, something that happens to all knitters and as a metaphor to all people in their own way. I'm hoping that writing about it and putting it on the blog helps me to banish the fear....
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
The Next Chapter
There has been lots and lots and lots of time since my last post. And there have been reasons. After running my first marathon, I got back to the business of catching up on a million things I'd neglected while training. I know that I'm making it sound like I trained 24/7, but I didn't. However, the physical training was only part of it. There was a whole all-encompassing mental thing that snuck up on me. It took awhile to re-connect with my life. It was a positive experience and really life-changing.
Then, almost right away, I started training for Tough Mudder Wisconsin 2013 with a wonderfully extended team. Why did I choose to do this 12-mile / 22-obstacle gut-clencher for a second time? Because I'm crazy. Also, I love it. The workouts were nuts, and I felt so alive. That took place the first week of September.
Being a part of a team is important, especially when one really needs the team to complete the challenge.
In between Wisconsin Marathon and Tough Mudder, there was a crazy amount of fastpitch softball (Delaney)
and Little League baseball (Aidan). (And a parade collided with baseball.)
The warm weather wrapped up with the Miller Park Half Marathon at the end of September. Now, we are enjoying a long autumn. This is the first real autumn we've enjoyed in a few years.
Life is changing. My mom is declining heavily with her frontotemporal dementia. We are sadly hoping she finds her peace soon. The kids are getting bigger and are into bigger kid activities. I'm working on a few projects having to do with knitting, writing, and a combination of the two. One of them that a good friend is letting me get in on is here, and there will be a couple of other fun things coming up. Rob is seeking a new path in his professional life. I continue to run and train for the next fun physical challenge. Life is good. We just have to remember that and live it. And remember that the choice for happiness is ours for the taking.
Personal and family upheaval is time consuming and soul consuming. I've missed my blog and the normalcy it helps me to realize. Since all the change is happening around me, I'm going to change it up for myself too. A rolling stone gathers no moss, after all.
Welcome to the next chapter.
Then, almost right away, I started training for Tough Mudder Wisconsin 2013 with a wonderfully extended team. Why did I choose to do this 12-mile / 22-obstacle gut-clencher for a second time? Because I'm crazy. Also, I love it. The workouts were nuts, and I felt so alive. That took place the first week of September.
Being a part of a team is important, especially when one really needs the team to complete the challenge.
It's also good to remember that there are people in my corner. Being reminded of that is a good thing.
And in case you wondered, this is me getting help with a 12-foot wall (with no toe holds) from some of my fabulous Tough Mudder teammates. The pictures here serve as a metaphor for something I need to remember: Please let other key people in my life help me when the going gets tough (read: impossible) rather than try to go it alone.
Wow. What a difference it makes to trust people who can be trusted. Really.
In between Wisconsin Marathon and Tough Mudder, there was a crazy amount of fastpitch softball (Delaney)
and Little League baseball (Aidan). (And a parade collided with baseball.)
It was a great summer. We were busy with the things and people we love.
The warm weather wrapped up with the Miller Park Half Marathon at the end of September. Now, we are enjoying a long autumn. This is the first real autumn we've enjoyed in a few years.
Life is changing. My mom is declining heavily with her frontotemporal dementia. We are sadly hoping she finds her peace soon. The kids are getting bigger and are into bigger kid activities. I'm working on a few projects having to do with knitting, writing, and a combination of the two. One of them that a good friend is letting me get in on is here, and there will be a couple of other fun things coming up. Rob is seeking a new path in his professional life. I continue to run and train for the next fun physical challenge. Life is good. We just have to remember that and live it. And remember that the choice for happiness is ours for the taking.
Personal and family upheaval is time consuming and soul consuming. I've missed my blog and the normalcy it helps me to realize. Since all the change is happening around me, I'm going to change it up for myself too. A rolling stone gathers no moss, after all.
Welcome to the next chapter.
Monday, May 6, 2013
26.2 Done
Saturday was the Wisconsin Marathon. This was my first 26.2 miler, and it was as gut wrenchingly difficult as a marathon should be. The last six miles were very, very painful, and I honestly didn't know how I would finish. I only knew there was no way I was quitting after coming that far.
People stationed themselves along the course, and I will forever be grateful to these wonderful friends, family members, and strangers who helped me make it through to the finish. I am fortunate to have such people in my life, including the ones who made sure to let me know that they were with me in spirit that day. I am grateful for the physical ability to put my body through that turmoil, and for having the heart to know that life is richer for the challenges we meet.
My knee held up, but just barely. I have a toenail issue, and my muscles are sore everywhere. However, my soul is content right now in only the way that accomplishing a big, scary goal can make it feel.
Life is good.
People stationed themselves along the course, and I will forever be grateful to these wonderful friends, family members, and strangers who helped me make it through to the finish. I am fortunate to have such people in my life, including the ones who made sure to let me know that they were with me in spirit that day. I am grateful for the physical ability to put my body through that turmoil, and for having the heart to know that life is richer for the challenges we meet.
My knee held up, but just barely. I have a toenail issue, and my muscles are sore everywhere. However, my soul is content right now in only the way that accomplishing a big, scary goal can make it feel.
Life is good.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Almost There
Time sure does fly when one is running all the time! At least, that's how it feels anyway, and that's how it seems, if you judge by my (lack of) housekeeping over the last several months.
The Marathon is 9 days from today. The long runs are over, and I am in the "taper" period of running only a few short distances, resting my legs, and trying not to fret.
My last long-ish run was last Friday. It was hailing sideways, and then the hail turned to snow. It hurt to be out in it, which might account for the fact that I saw no other runners that day.....
Also, I tweaked my bad knee this week. Lovely timing. I have skipped two runs this week, and today it feels...well, I'm not going to say and then jinx myself..... Tomorrow, I hope to get in 8, and then it's just a few short training runs until the big day. Wahoo!
So, to ease my marathon anxiety, I've been hanging out with this cupcake monster,
Getting in some girlfriend time,
and shopping with my sporty fashionista.
The Marathon is 9 days from today. The long runs are over, and I am in the "taper" period of running only a few short distances, resting my legs, and trying not to fret.
My last long-ish run was last Friday. It was hailing sideways, and then the hail turned to snow. It hurt to be out in it, which might account for the fact that I saw no other runners that day.....
Also, I tweaked my bad knee this week. Lovely timing. I have skipped two runs this week, and today it feels...well, I'm not going to say and then jinx myself..... Tomorrow, I hope to get in 8, and then it's just a few short training runs until the big day. Wahoo!
So, to ease my marathon anxiety, I've been hanging out with this cupcake monster,
Getting in some girlfriend time,
and shopping with my sporty fashionista.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Baker's Dozen
Today's run was 13 miles in newly fallen snow. I felt fine on the inside, but my legs and feet were begging me to stop after 10. I made it though. Missing two runs this week is probably why it was so hard. Oi. Halfway there in mileage.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Moving Along
Time is getting away from me, and there is no real reason why. We have had a bout of viruses visiting lately. In fact, Aidan is home for day two today (and this is his third "day two" off school since Christmas break).
Last week, my long run was a dozen miles. It went great. I wasn't even sore the next day. I was amazed. However, now I'm down with chest congestion and other junk. Running all the miles in wind, cold, and snow had to catch up with me. I missed yesterday's 3-mile run due to my sicky kid being home. It was warm and winter-balmy. Today, I have a 6-miler on my schedule, but the sicky is still here, the weather is cold/wind/snow, and I feel crummy. Let's see if I can pull out at least a short run when reinforcements arrive in the form of Delaney after school. If I keep running past my house, I feel comfortable leaving them here for a short run. We'll see. I am nervous about running my 13 miles this Friday with too many missed training days. I'm not sure if it's better to rest completely and be fresh for the end of the week or try to push it a little bit. I think I will just wait until later and see if I am up for it.
I love winter, but I am ready for friendlier running weather without having to weigh myself down with all those layers and all that wool!
Last week, my long run was a dozen miles. It went great. I wasn't even sore the next day. I was amazed. However, now I'm down with chest congestion and other junk. Running all the miles in wind, cold, and snow had to catch up with me. I missed yesterday's 3-mile run due to my sicky kid being home. It was warm and winter-balmy. Today, I have a 6-miler on my schedule, but the sicky is still here, the weather is cold/wind/snow, and I feel crummy. Let's see if I can pull out at least a short run when reinforcements arrive in the form of Delaney after school. If I keep running past my house, I feel comfortable leaving them here for a short run. We'll see. I am nervous about running my 13 miles this Friday with too many missed training days. I'm not sure if it's better to rest completely and be fresh for the end of the week or try to push it a little bit. I think I will just wait until later and see if I am up for it.
I love winter, but I am ready for friendlier running weather without having to weigh myself down with all those layers and all that wool!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
The Birds are Back
I forgot to fill the bird feeder. Then it got to be something that just slipped out of my mind for a couple of weeks. Poor things. Then when it got really cold outside, and I tried to feed them....the door to our deck was frozen shut. Finally, I remembered to ask Rob to unstick it for me. It took him about two minutes, even though I could not figure it out for the life of me. After I filled the (almost) squirrel - proof feeder (they should prepare for winter better and leave the bird's food alone), I decided it was time to put out the suet pinecone that Delaney made at school (and which had been gracing our kitchen counter in a ziplocked bag for about 32 days).
Well, needless to say, the birds were quick to forgive. They have been making up for lost time ever since. I love to watch them during my stolen moments knitting at the kitchen table. The kids too (not while knitting....homework, breakfast, reading, whatever)
Welcome back, feathered friends! I promise to be better to you from now on.
Today, we are getting big snow. Finally!
Well, needless to say, the birds were quick to forgive. They have been making up for lost time ever since. I love to watch them during my stolen moments knitting at the kitchen table. The kids too (not while knitting....homework, breakfast, reading, whatever)
Welcome back, feathered friends! I promise to be better to you from now on.
Today, we are getting big snow. Finally!
Monday, February 4, 2013
10 miles long
Saturday brought a 10-mile run in my training schedule. It also brought snow, treacherous roads, and cold temps. Normally, my long run day is Friday. However, this past Friday had temperatures below zero. While I have mustered it up to do my runs below zero before, I knew that if I waited one day, the temperatures would rise to a more comfortable (read: safer) level for the long distance.
Not wanting to sacrifice weekend family time to run for over an hour and a half, I got up at 5:00 a.m., ate a fuel-laden breakfast, and waited for light. It was a longer wait than expected. Luckily (?), Aidan had decided at around 5:40 a.m. that sleeping in on Saturdays is for suckers, so I had some company. I sat with him and knitted while he played Leggos until it was time for me to go.
I left the house at 6:40 as the sky lightened before sunrise, scraped all the snow off the car, and carefully made my way along the unplowed roads. It was slow going, and I almost ended up in the ditch. I actually laughed out loud a few times about the insanity of going to run, outdoors (around the lake next to my warm gym) in weather that was basically undrivable. Once parked, I momentarily considered running the indoor track indoors instead. Too bad for me, though, I had only brought extra warm running-wear. At that moment, a fellow insane runner passed in front of me on his trek around the lake. I was in. I may be crazy, but at least I wouldn't be alone. Onward.
Still getting light outside and following the tracks of the other lone runner |
The snow was fluffy and a few inches deep. Deep enough that I couldn't tell if it was slippery beneath it or not. That tentative type of running changes my gait and makes my hips get sore. Wind around one-third of the lake bit at my left ear and covered my tracks with snow so that they were faint or invisible on each, consecutive passing. My hands were cold and fingers painful at first, but my Kool Foo Mittens (on their maiden run!) warmed them up within the first two miles.
After the first two times around the lake, my phantom running partner's tracks disappeared. The only time I had actually laid eyes on him was that first time from my car. The only other person I encountered was a snowshoer. The plow drivers were out by my third round, and I made sure to wave at them so that they might remember me if I went missing. (Well, it didn't hurt to consider this scenario.) The snow had begun to fall heavier, and the wind had picked up. It was fully light outside by now, though, so I was encouraged about my chances of finishing.
The day before, I had finally broken down and gotten a runner's water bottle. (I have noticed that staying hydrated really does have it's perks.) By my third lap o' the lake, the spout on my bottle had frozen. By the fourth, the cap was frozen on also. It's weird how thirsty one can get surrounded by snow and too cold to really get a good sweat going. At any rate (and this time, the rate we are talking was very slow), I finished my ten miles and headed home. The streets were plowed and the snow had stopped. All told, it was a good morning.
I'm feeling pretty good recovery-wise this Monday morning. Not too sore and ready to run again. Unfortunately, I have a cold now. I would have maybe admitted this cruddy feeling was from the cold long run. However, Aidan is home sick too.....so HA to the winter running haters! it's a virus. I am free to continue the outdoor winter running without fear that it will bring on certain pneumonia-induced death. Too bad I'm home with a sicky kid, because it is a lovely morning for a run: snowy and not too cold. That's ok. Cuddle time with a drippy nosed 6-year old doesn't happen very often and is fleeting fast. I'm content to wait until tomorrow to continue my winter running.
Frozen Water One Hour Post Run
I'm feeling pretty good recovery-wise this Monday morning. Not too sore and ready to run again. Unfortunately, I have a cold now. I would have maybe admitted this cruddy feeling was from the cold long run. However, Aidan is home sick too.....so HA to the winter running haters! it's a virus. I am free to continue the outdoor winter running without fear that it will bring on certain pneumonia-induced death. Too bad I'm home with a sicky kid, because it is a lovely morning for a run: snowy and not too cold. That's ok. Cuddle time with a drippy nosed 6-year old doesn't happen very often and is fleeting fast. I'm content to wait until tomorrow to continue my winter running.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Too much?
My Foo Fighters obsession might be pushing the limits of "healthy" for a 44 year-old mom. However, these will keep my fingers toasty for my 10 miler this morning! There is nothing wrong with bringing a little whimsy to the serious business of life, now is there?!
(Thank you to Judy for the yarn, Kool-Aid for the ability to dye it, EZ for the ingenious Joggers Thumbless Mittens pattern and to Tricksy Knitter for sharing a chart!)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Don't Wait
As I was reading one of my favorite blogs, I was thunderstruck with a sense of loss. The Yarn Harlot was blogging about a trip she is taking with her mom. It struck me that my mom and I had always planned to travel together. We planned it in that vague, off in the distant future sort of way that one does. I know that it will never happen. We waited too long, even though we had no idea that we were putting it off at all. My mom's early onset dementia prevents everything that is supposed to happen for her......and for me. There. I said it. For me.
There is only one way to right this wrong. It doesn't even right the wrong, but it is the only thing that can even come close. I will plan a trip with MY daughter. Soon. She's only 9, but waiting seems wrong. I hate feeling that time is short and that the end is right around the corner. Some day, when my mom has found her peace, and life begins to be normal (normal?), I might think it silly to feel this sense of urgency to do and to see and to think and to dance and to feel everything that can be wonderful. Maybe. I hope that feeling never goes away completely but just enough to make life not feel like a hurry up event.
We will begin to plan, my Delaney Jane and I, and I can add one more thing to the list of gifts my mom has given me: the gift of learning to seize the day.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Today, I decided to try and wring out the bumpiness that has been plaguing me since yesterday. After running (around the track for three miles....not my favorite exercise venue), I went to do some work on the weight machines. It helped. While working my arms, I had a thought. Let me explain. The biceps machine is so much more difficult than the one that helps me work my triceps. I can push more than twice the amount of weight on the triceps machine than I can pull into an arm curl for my biceps.
My thought is this: in life, pulling something (-one) toward us is much harder than pushing something (-one) away from us. Think about it physically. Pulling a sled is tougher than getting behind it to push (for me it is, anyway.....even if in both instances the sled is carrying two kids and a dog). Another physical example: Pulling a child along by the hand through a crowded place takes more effort than getting behind said child and guiding him that way with your hands on his shoulders.
Figuratively, it's the same. Pulling someone toward us gives me the visual impression of making him or her come to us against his or her will. The reluctant boyfriend, the wary stray cat, the stubborn child are some examples that come to mind. I'm not talking about the physical pull, either. I'm talking the kind that attempts to lure or welcome through emotion, deeds, kindness, etc.
Pushing someone away is easy. It requires omission of thought, the end of emotion, giving up, moving on. It is sometimes a positive step that takes a long time to get to, but once it starts, momentum helps. Sometimes, it's not positive, but it happens anyway. Sometimes, it is something that happens a little by little in the beginning, like giving a heavy sled little, nudging pushes against deep snow to get it started. Once the motion begins, however, the gliding away begins. It's scary how easily it can happen in some cases. It's hard to know how to stop that runaway sled or other instances of pushing away once the momentum gets started, too
So, that's my exercise metaphor for life today. Just random thoughts in the gym. And the bumpiness? When I got home, I knocked the salt shaker off the counter, and it rolled behind the fridge. Now I have the bad luck of spilt salt (yes, yes, I threw some over my left shoulder immediately). I also still have a salt shaker behind the fridge, because the pushing and pulling on the weight machines for firm arms left me too weak to move that fridge.
My thought is this: in life, pulling something (-one) toward us is much harder than pushing something (-one) away from us. Think about it physically. Pulling a sled is tougher than getting behind it to push (for me it is, anyway.....even if in both instances the sled is carrying two kids and a dog). Another physical example: Pulling a child along by the hand through a crowded place takes more effort than getting behind said child and guiding him that way with your hands on his shoulders.
Figuratively, it's the same. Pulling someone toward us gives me the visual impression of making him or her come to us against his or her will. The reluctant boyfriend, the wary stray cat, the stubborn child are some examples that come to mind. I'm not talking about the physical pull, either. I'm talking the kind that attempts to lure or welcome through emotion, deeds, kindness, etc.
Pushing someone away is easy. It requires omission of thought, the end of emotion, giving up, moving on. It is sometimes a positive step that takes a long time to get to, but once it starts, momentum helps. Sometimes, it's not positive, but it happens anyway. Sometimes, it is something that happens a little by little in the beginning, like giving a heavy sled little, nudging pushes against deep snow to get it started. Once the motion begins, however, the gliding away begins. It's scary how easily it can happen in some cases. It's hard to know how to stop that runaway sled or other instances of pushing away once the momentum gets started, too
So, that's my exercise metaphor for life today. Just random thoughts in the gym. And the bumpiness? When I got home, I knocked the salt shaker off the counter, and it rolled behind the fridge. Now I have the bad luck of spilt salt (yes, yes, I threw some over my left shoulder immediately). I also still have a salt shaker behind the fridge, because the pushing and pulling on the weight machines for firm arms left me too weak to move that fridge.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Bumpy Day
This weather is completely throwing me. It is too warm. 60 degrees F is not normal for January here. At all. I couldn't wait to start my 5 mile run today, because I was hoping it would shake off whatever is going on with me. I am blaming the weather on that. I am clumsy today. Dropping things, bumping into things, having clothing that sits uncomfortably. You name it; it ails me.
So, I ran. Weirdly, this was a harder run than the 5 miler I ran exactly one week ago when the temperature was 70 degrees colder than it was today. (and no, that wasn't an error, and I did run outside both days. -10 was the temp a week ago) By week's end, it's back to the single digits in temperature, and I will feel a lot better about things, I believe. Winter is supposed to be cold. Spring is supposed to feel like today.
And also? I'm still bumping along today. The run was fine, but I am still afflicted. Here's hoping the cold front brings me relief.
So, I ran. Weirdly, this was a harder run than the 5 miler I ran exactly one week ago when the temperature was 70 degrees colder than it was today. (and no, that wasn't an error, and I did run outside both days. -10 was the temp a week ago) By week's end, it's back to the single digits in temperature, and I will feel a lot better about things, I believe. Winter is supposed to be cold. Spring is supposed to feel like today.
And also? I'm still bumping along today. The run was fine, but I am still afflicted. Here's hoping the cold front brings me relief.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Purpose
I started this blog quite awhile ago in hopes that it would help me find a voice. I want to really write, and I figured this was a good place to get more practice. Then I couldn't think of what to write. Not exactly that, I guess. It was more like I couldn't think of anything to write about daily (or weekly) on one topic or anything of interest to me. That stymied me. So I tripped along very irregularly. I also realized that no one reads this, so I could really write about anything in any way without fear of ridicule, judgment, or embarrassment. Even that realization didn't propel me onward.
Recently (29 days ago), I began training for my first full marathon. These days, that is not that remarkable of an endeavor, but it is still something that not very many people decide to do. I am not reaching around to pat myself on the back here. On the day I was running my loooonnnnnggg for last week (9 miles), I thought about the fact that training for something difficult (something that you aren't even sure you will be able to complete) is a metaphor for life. There is some material here.
So it begins. Again.
Recently (29 days ago), I began training for my first full marathon. These days, that is not that remarkable of an endeavor, but it is still something that not very many people decide to do. I am not reaching around to pat myself on the back here. On the day I was running my loooonnnnnggg for last week (9 miles), I thought about the fact that training for something difficult (something that you aren't even sure you will be able to complete) is a metaphor for life. There is some material here.
So it begins. Again.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Bad Bad Bad
I am knitting and drinking coffee a half hour before the kids get home from school. A basket of folded laundry is staring accusingly at me. I can also hear the half-cleaned upstairs bathroom muttering under its breath. I might have a piece of cake while boldly carrying on with my Friday afternoon guilty pleasure. Don't tell anyone.
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