Don't Wait

As I was reading one of my favorite blogs, I was thunderstruck with a sense of loss.  The Yarn Harlot was blogging about a trip she is taking with her mom.  It struck me that my mom and I had always planned to travel together.  We planned it in that vague, off in the distant future sort of way that one does.  I know that it will never happen.  We waited too long, even though we had no idea that we were putting it off at all.  My mom's early onset dementia prevents everything that is supposed to happen for her......and for me.  There.  I said it.  For me.  

There is only one way to right this wrong.  It doesn't even right the wrong, but it is the only thing that can even come close.  I will plan a trip with MY daughter.  Soon.  She's only 9, but waiting seems wrong.  I hate feeling that time is short and that the end is right around the corner.  Some day, when my mom has found her peace, and life begins to be normal (normal?), I might think it silly to feel this sense of urgency to do and to see and to think and to dance and to feel everything that can be wonderful.  Maybe.  I hope that feeling never goes away completely but just enough to make life not feel like a hurry up event.

We will begin to plan, my Delaney Jane and I, and I can add one more thing to the list of gifts my mom has given me:  the gift of learning to seize the day.

Today, I decided to try and wring out the bumpiness that has been plaguing me since yesterday.  After running (around the track for three miles....not my favorite exercise venue), I went to do some work on the weight machines.  It helped.  While working my arms, I had a thought.  Let me explain.  The biceps machine is so much more difficult than the one that helps me work my triceps.  I can push more than twice the amount of weight on the triceps machine than I can pull into an arm curl for my biceps.  

My thought is this:  in life, pulling something (-one) toward us is much harder than pushing something (-one) away from us.  Think about it physically.  Pulling a sled is tougher than getting behind it to push (for me it is, anyway.....even if in both instances the sled is carrying two kids and a dog).  Another physical example:  Pulling a child along by the hand through a crowded place takes more effort than getting behind said child and guiding him that way with your hands on his shoulders.

Figuratively, it's the same.  Pulling someone toward us gives me the visual impression of making him or her come to us against his or her will.  The reluctant boyfriend, the wary stray cat, the stubborn child are some examples that come to mind.  I'm not talking about the physical pull, either.  I'm talking the kind that attempts to lure or welcome through emotion, deeds, kindness, etc.

Pushing someone away is easy.  It requires omission of thought, the end of emotion, giving up, moving on.  It is sometimes a positive step that takes a long time to get to, but once it starts, momentum helps.  Sometimes, it's not positive, but it happens anyway.  Sometimes, it is something that happens a little by little in the beginning, like giving a heavy sled little, nudging pushes against deep snow to get it started.  Once the motion begins, however, the gliding away begins.  It's scary how easily it can happen in some cases.  It's hard to know how to stop that runaway sled or other instances of pushing away once the momentum gets started, too

So, that's my exercise metaphor for life today.  Just random thoughts in the gym.  And the bumpiness?  When I got home, I knocked the salt shaker off the counter, and it rolled behind the fridge.  Now I have the bad luck of spilt salt (yes, yes, I threw some over my left shoulder immediately).  I also still have a salt shaker behind the fridge, because the pushing and pulling on the weight machines for firm arms left me too weak to move that fridge.  

Bumpy Day

This weather is completely throwing me.  It is too warm.  60 degrees F is not normal for January here.  At all.  I couldn't wait to start my 5 mile run today, because I was hoping it would shake off whatever is going on with me.  I am blaming the weather on that.  I am clumsy today.  Dropping things, bumping into things, having clothing that sits uncomfortably.  You name it; it ails me.

So, I ran.  Weirdly, this was a harder run than the 5 miler I ran exactly one week ago when the temperature was 70 degrees colder than it was today.  (and no, that wasn't an error, and I did run outside both days.  -10 was the temp a week ago)  By week's end, it's back to the single digits in temperature, and I will feel a lot better about things, I believe.  Winter is supposed to be cold.  Spring is supposed to feel like today.

And also?  I'm still bumping along today.  The run was fine, but I am still afflicted.  Here's hoping the cold front brings me relief.

Purpose

I started this blog quite awhile ago in hopes that it would help me find a voice.  I want to really write, and I figured this was a good place to get more practice.  Then I couldn't think of what to write.  Not exactly that, I guess.  It was more like I couldn't think of anything to write about daily (or weekly) on one topic or anything of interest to me.  That stymied me.  So I tripped along very irregularly.  I also realized that no one reads this, so I could really write about anything in any way without fear of ridicule, judgment, or embarrassment.  Even that realization didn't propel me onward.

Recently (29 days ago), I began training for my first full marathon.  These days, that is not that remarkable of an endeavor, but it is still something that not very many people decide to do.  I am not reaching around to pat myself on the back here.  On the day I was running my loooonnnnnggg for last week (9 miles), I thought about the fact that training for something difficult (something that you aren't even sure you will be able to complete) is a metaphor for life.  There is some material here.

So it begins.  Again.

Bad Bad Bad

I am knitting and drinking coffee a half hour before the kids get home from school. A basket of folded laundry is staring accusingly at me.  I can also hear the half-cleaned upstairs bathroom muttering under its breath.  I might have a piece of cake while boldly carrying on with my Friday afternoon guilty pleasure.  Don't tell anyone.

Revelation

Today, at the grocery store self-check out station, I accepted the clerk's offer to bag my groceries.  I can't even tell you why I did this.  I always bag my own after I scan and punch in my own order.  I dread the clerk walking over to me and starting to bag my stuff without asking.  I'm picky.  I bag my milk, for example.  I put laundry soap in the same bag as yogurt.  I have a system.  I never take plastic bags.  I'm a freak show, and I realize this.

Today, however, I accepted the bagging by the clerk.  I got out of the store faster too.  She didn't bag it up like I would have done.  It didn't bug me though.  I didn't start feeling stressed out or a little mad, even.  Huh.  I'm growing, I guess.  About time.

Mudder Nation has a new member.......

Tough Mudder has come and gone.  I will say this:  It was fantastically cathartic, exhilaratingly challenging, and incredibly empowering.  I loved it.

It seems that most things in life do not live up to the hype.  That can be a relief sometimes, but it is usually a disappointment.  Tough Mudder Wisconsin was not disappointing.  The running was largely uphill.  The obstacles were difficult.  There were some that I could not have completely by myself.  The Berlin Walls and Everest (by far the most physically intimidating) required teamwork (and my team rocked it, by the way). 

Beyond the physical teamwork necessary for some, mental team work was critical.  My team discussed how to attack an obstacle.  This was really very helpful.  My biggest psychological challenges were the small spaces. The Underwater Tunnels were my first opportunity to quell the hysteria rising inside of me.  Because my team knew my fears, they talked me through it.  As someone who is slow to trust, I have to say that this is a moment I will always remember.  By the time I got to the Boa Constrictor, I welcomed facing that claustrophobia and kicking it to the curb.

It was a great day for the spectators too.  My family was on hand to watch us run past a few times and tackle some obstacles.  Even though it was an electric and adrenaline-soaked atmosphere, it was completely family friendly.  This was greatly appreciated by many.

The challenges kept coming.  The Arctic Enema made me understand why freezing water can kill so quickly (seriously, stay off the thin ice in winter, everyone).  The Mud Mile was surprisingly exhausting.  Jumping into deep, cold water from 20-30 feet above was scarier than I had imagined.  The Electric Eel was "shockingly" unnerving (Get it?  Oh, but you will.)  We never knew what was around the next bend in the muddy path, littered with one-shoed participants (that deep mud just sucks off the tennies if they aren't on tight, folks).

Our team (called Your Mother), ran the whole 12 miles (which I thought was only 11 miles until Mile 12 popped up.....what a surprise!).  We attacked each obstacle as a team and did better than any of us expected (or at least better than I expected, anyway).  With our youngest team member in her early 30's and me bringing up the elderly end at 44, I am damn proud of us. 

Electoshock Therapy was the perfect spine-tingling finale.....and the two dark Dos Equis waiting at the finish line as a nice lady placed my orange headband on my head and asked if I was ok didn't hurt either.  I feel like I can conquer more than I imagined.  I feel more alive than ever.  Tough Mudder taught me that I am stronger and mentally tougher than I thought (and that I had an excellent team).  It also made me look forward to getting stronger and tougher for next year.  I am in.  (It doesn't hurt that my kids think I am a total rock star too....and I am riding this wave as hard as I can, because the adoration will not last.....)

We will see you next year, Tough Mudder Wisconsin.